I'm a bad father.

Tuesday night I came home late, once again, and got ready for bed. I climbed under the covers tired and ready for sleep. I had been gone all day working and doing things for others. Laying in bed I felt good about myself. However, I couldn't go to sleep. It wasn't just because my wife and I had things to discuss, it was because I knew inside that my day wasn't supposed to end yet. I knew that my day was incomplete. I knew that I hadn't held my baby boy or even said hi to him all day.

I grew up without a father. He abandoned my family when I was 5. The wounds and reality of my childhood have lurked beneath the surface of my heart ever since. Despite the amount of growth and freedom God has given me, having my own son has brought up new levels to my heart I didn't know existed.

I could hear my baby crying in his room. He was in his crib and should have fallen asleep already, but he was fussy. I knew I couldn't lay there any longer so I got out of bed. I took my son in my arms and began our usual routine of walking and rocking to quiet him. It had been about a week since I had last done this and it normally takes about 45 min. However, on this particular night it took literally 45 seconds for him to not only quiet down but close his eyes.

It happened so fast that it caught the attention of my heart. He was just waiting for his daddy.

My arms clutched a little tighter and I sat down in his room filled with new emotion. As I admired his small breaths and peaceful face, it sunk in for the first time that he was truly my son. This may sound terrible considering my son is 10 weeks old but for the first time the awe of his presence overwhelmed me. All the realities of my past father wound and my present fatherhood collided. A mixture of past pain and present joy released from inside and began to well up in the corner of my eyes.

Now I was saying over and over, "Daddy's here now, daddy's here now." Between my words and my tears I knew in that moment God was working something deep and profound within my heart. Beyond the new motivation to spend more time with my son I felt a new comfort from God. My struggle has always been to trust that God is present in my pain. Was God a father I could count on to not only heal my past wounds but to give me grace to be a good father?

We often become worn out and beaten down by this world, our past, or shame. We cry out wondering if God will hear. We question if he will come pick us up in his arms and allow us to finally rest. Amidst our ever changing emotions the truth of God's presence is constant. He is there when we need him. He will hold us when we need rest. . The book of Psalms repeats over and over again that God's faithfulness is never ceasing, and His loving kindness never fails! God loves his children deeply!

Tuesday night I felt unfit. I felt inadequate and frustrated at myself. I wanted to know if God was going to get me through this. Much like my son, I needed my father. Then I heard his voice over mine, "Daddy's here, daddy's always been here."

Stop for a moment and listen for your heavenly fathers voice. No matter the loneliness, the shame, or the burdens there is a God who loves you. And, if you listen I believe you will hear Him say, "Daddy's here, daddy's always been here."

God is a good father.

- Josh